Healing the Parts of You That Still Want to Be Chosen
Choosing yourself can feel difficult when a part of you is still waiting for someone else to say, ” You’re the one I want.” Black women over 40, let’s talk about that part of us with some tenderness, Sis.
Around Valentine’s Day, there’sso much attention on who received flowers, who has a date, and who is being celebrated publicly. But the desire to be chosen reaches beyond romance. Sometimes we want a friend to include us, a family member to notice our effort, or someone to make room for us without being asked repeatedly.
Wanting love and belonging is nothing to be ashamed of. What I want us to examine is what we’re willing to give up about ourselves to receive them.
Where Did You Learn You Had to Earn Your Place?
Think about the messages you heard growing up. Did you feel free to have needs, or did being agreeable seem like the easiest way to receive approval? Were you celebrated for who you were, or mostly for what you could do?
These questions are invitations to reflect, not reasons to blame yourself or decide that your childhood explains everything.
Then consider the stories we watched and read. Some television shows, movies, and books make being chosen by a romantic partner look like the moment a woman’s life finally becomes complete. I think it’s worth asking which of those messages we still carry.
For some of us, faith belongs in this reflection, too. What were you taught about the Bible, marriage, patience, and sacrifice? Did the way those teachings were explained leave room for your voice and needs? I believe we can value our faith while thoughtfully examining the expectations people attach to it.
Past relationships may bring up their own questions. Have you ever kept trying to prove your worth to someone who remained unsure about you? Sis, how much of yourself were you setting aside while you waited?
Choosing Yourself Begins With Listening to Your Needs
At 50, I want to take my own feelings seriously. I want to ask whether a relationship feels right for me, instead of focusing only on whether the other person wants me.
That can start with a simple pause: “What do I need here, and have I been honest about it?”
Maybe you need consistency. Maybe you want your time respected. Maybe you’re disappointed and need to acknowledge that before rushing to be understanding.
Self-validation, to me, means allowing those feelings to matter without waiting for someone else to agree. You can listen to another perspective and still recognize your own experience.
You don’t need unanimous approval to say, “This matters to me.”
Choosing Yourself With the Tenderness You Needed Earlier
When I think about emotional reparenting in everyday teams, I think about offering myself some of the patience, reassurance, and care I may have needed at an earlier age.
You might ask, “What would I say to a younger version of myself who felt left out?” Would you tell her to work hard to deserve affection? Or would you remind her that she deserves kindness, even when someone doesn’t choose her?
Try bringing that same compassion into present choices. Keep a small promise to yourself. Rest when you need to. Speak honestly instead of pretending you’re comfortable.
You can practice this care while also accepting support from people you trust.
Becoming a Safe Place for Yourself while Staying Open to Love
I want to be able to love someone without repeatedly abandoning my own needs to keep the connection. To me, becoming a safe place for myself means knowing I will pay attention when something hurts and give myself room to respond.
Choosing yourself won’t remove every disappointment or guarantee that someone stays. It can mean deciding that their choice will not be the final word on your worth.
Sis, you can want partnerships, friendship, and belonging while expecting mutual care. You deserve relationships where there is room for you too.
Where in your life are you still waiting to be chosen, and what would choosing yourself look like this week? Share what you feel comfortable sharing in the comments.
